Friday, July 17, 2009

Why don't you have kids?

People are fascinated that my wife and I don't have children. It amazes me how insensitive people get when asking. Every reason for having children falls into two categories: grossly selfish or brainless. What really amazes me is when I ask back. About half of parents, when asked why they had children say “I don’t know.” In other words, they have undertaken a life-altering action of enormous magnitude, without sparing a single thought about it.

Those who have thought about why they had children cannot give a single reason that does not start with the words “I want….” Clearly to those who have thought about it, having children is entirely about meeting their own needs, and the well-being of the children and of the rest of the occupants of the planet are never considered.

The chestnuts generally presented as reasons for having children (Your child may cure cancer!...Who will take care of you when you’re old!) are invariably stupid, selfish and unrealistic. The chances of your child making any kind of major positive contribution to society are extremely slim - near to zero. Their chances of their making a major negative contribution are much greater. Three American-born scientists won 2003 Nobel prizes. That year around 100,000 Americans were sentenced to prison or probation.
I use to tell people, I don't really want children. If you say you don't want children, people will tell you that you don't know what you want or that you'll change your mind. It's never a good idea to obey those who condescend to you and patronize you.

Not having children you pick up on things parents say to their kids. People who have children frequently say things to their children like "I can't wait until you grow up and leave home" that indicates how little they enjoy child-raising. These same people will suddenly forget how much they wanted their children gone when it comes to pressuring the child free to have children. Then children are an unending source of enjoyment and fun.

OK, back to why we don't have kids.

In the past many years, I have seen countless doctors and specialist and come to find out, the medical reason, as far as I understand it, is that when I ejaculate, there is rarely, if ever, a woman in the room. (OK that was a joke!) The truth, I have no viable sperm. Due to various trauma and medical conditions I can't have children. It doesn't make me less of a person or man. I'm not even afraid to talk about it. Just don't look down your nose at me and think I'm something less, because I'm not. I have a family. My oldest is probably smarter than any of your college bound grads.

Yes, we are the people who have a furry family.


  1. You are right, not having children is you own business. But it doesn't sound like you were given a choice in the matter. Who know if truly given the choice, your decision and opinion would be the same. Life makes turns that sometimes we just don't agree with or want to take but have no choice. I have 2 children with emotional disabilities, it has tore up our household on occasion and financially drained us. I did not choose this but that is what I havebeen given. Living without bitterness is hard. I have been bitter about many dreams that have not come true for me and sometimes the hurt comes out as anger unintentionally. One thing I know life will never be without difficulties, or taking turns that we don't want to take or plan on taking. I have come to the conclusion that that is a sure thing that can be counted on. How we deal with what comes our way can make us better or bitter. I have finally given up bitterness because it is destructive

  2. It makes me sad to see how far from the leadership role of a Youth Minister you have gotten. But I do know that Jeremiah 19:7 says.." The heart is decietful and above all else beyond cure who can understand it" I speak for myself when I say that verse is true in my life. I do know that one day we will all stand in the throne room of God, ALONE, and will have to explain our life to him.

  3. Ok maybe its ;eremiah 17:9.

  4. I only have one child and it's for the reason that I realized I'm not cut out to have more. Patience is not my best quality and even though I love my child dearly I know having more would not be healthy for either one of us. So whether by choice or by situation we all must do what is best for our own lives and families. And I'm not ashamed at all to say I stopped having children for the betterment of my family.

  5. Byron - children - human or furry I think you're a great dad - better than many I know, I've seen you with them. I think they are spoiled rotten, maybe more than mine, and they love you very much. And that my friend is all that really matters at the end of the day. I find it amamzing that people would come on here and badger your thoughts when they don't even know you or what you stand for. I look at you and Dawn and see two people that love each other and your kids and are enjoying life. Last time I checked that's what it's all about!

  6. I know a couple that made the rational choice NOT to ever have children. And they haven't. People have called them names and said horribly mean, hurtful things to them (similar to those above). While I have always (from a very young age) felt my role in life was to be a mother, I also fully support people who know themselves well enough to know that children should not be a direct part of their lives.

    I agree with comments above that you probably didn't get to make a decision, BUT with all the adoption options out and your wife DID. To condemn you would be the same as to condemn every "barren" family who chooses NOT to use untraditional methods to get children.

    I am very conservative, and I don't hide that fact. However, I am also very open-minded and accepting. It is no one else's business if or how many children someone chooses to have unless neglect or endangerment becomes an issue.


  7. THANK YOU for speaking out on this!!! I'm a childfree myself and I can relate very much with what you wrote. I often remark on how quickly casual conversations can turn into inquisitions over ONE question "do you have kids?" I'm amazed at how people react when they find I have none...some look at me like there's something wrong *lol* (little do they know, I look at them exactly the same way *lmao!*)and when they find out I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY, well...the gates of conversational hell just flew open. Criticism, judgements, thoughtless assumptions, rude unwarranted invasions of my personal life, unsolicited "advice", and the chart-topper: giving me a "sales pitch" on why parenting is SO great...

    The irony of the conversation they had NOT 1 MINUTE BEFORE trying to "convert" me (bitching about how SHITTY parenting is and how much their kids prevent them from living the life they once had and they can't wait for the kids to grow up and move out) is NOT lost on me, nor is the irony of them trying to "sell" me on the notion of parenthood making you a BETTER PERSON while THEY are behaving in some of the most RUDE, INCONSIDERATE, NOSY, SELFISH, BLOCK-HEADEDLY IGNORANT ways TOWARDS ME!!! I wish with all my heart they could just SEE themselves...

    1. We get the same reaction. Especially, when we lived on military posts. If you don't have kids, they want nothing to do with you. We tried once and I mis-carried (a sign to us that it wasn't meant to be). My husband and I enjoy our life with our fur baby. We can come and go as we please, sleep in or if we want to be lazy on a Sunday-we can.