Funny how the body sometimes doesn't do what you want it to do, cause early Monday morn, I had a panic attack along with an anxiety attack. My very wonderful wife Dawn knew something was wrong, next thing I know she had me at the ER which then lead me to a 9 day stay in a Mental Behavioral Unit. Other wise the crazy house, or looney bin.
So, I’ve been gone for awhile, I have a disease , Severe Depression, Anxiety, Panic attacks and a mild case of agoraphobia. Along with chronic pain disorder, a medical illness that causes a
persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Depression can cause
physical symptoms, too. Also called major depression, major depressive
disorder and clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave.
Depression can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems.
You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression
may make you feel as if life isn't worth living. Three weeks ago this past
Monday I had my plan in order to end it all. Thank God for Dawn, she saw
me having a major anxiety attack, she quickly got me to St. Mary’s ER,
where they admitted me to the Mental Behavioral Unit, where over the
nine days I got help, medications and one on one and group therapy. I
will now be seeing a therapist and a psychologist to further help me
deal with this disease. I’ve put a mask on for a long time, I’ll still
joke on facebook, but I will now, also, be transparent, “doctors
orders”. Thanks to Rick Orrel, John Moon, Milo Pittman and Dawn Piitman,
along with many more.Coming up I will attempt to blog about some of the people I met, during the nine days of "therapy".
What you experienced is what I have experienced for a long long time. Only I have been ridiculed and made fun of for being that way for years. I too had a plan to end my life back in 2009. A plan I even followed thru on. There was no one there to stop me. No one seeing the warning signs. I made a plan to take an insane amount of medication and fully inteded not to wake up again. No one even realized I had done anything until I hadn't awoke at my usual time. And even then I was left alone, not taken to the hospital, not questioned why (even to this day no one has asked me why). And the reason no one has asked me why is the fact that it doesn't matter to anyone why I tried to end my life. Because my life is not important. I really don't matter , I am easily dismissed, gotten rid of and put aside. Anytime I try to tell anyone how I am feeling it is dismissed quickly. Meanwhile others (and you know who I am talking about) are allowed to talk at great length and even argued with about what is going on with them. Anytime I try and speak about how I feel it is put down as unimportant as being silly by everyone and ignored.
ReplyDeleteAnd so I have distanced myself from everyone. Either by not being around or by putting on a face, because that is all they want to see from me is the face I wear, not the reality of what is behind it. Because what is behind it is not important.
And even now I am still being mocked and dismissed, even with the false face.
I spend vast amounts of time with no one around. I do my art to distract me. I watch movies to distract me. I do everything to distract me from the fact that I am alone so much of the time.
And I still have a plan. I have been working on it since the last one didn't work.
Everything I do until I act upon it is going thru the motions wearing a face.
Get the help. I will go with you. You are important to me and a lot of people, but don;t plan reach out and ask for help!
Delete